4 am relaziations; Theres always that one person

That one person..

Who you lay in bed some nights thinking about :
You know , what im talking about, the guy who you would have done everything for. The one you loved unconditionally. The one that even though hes dead to you on the outside he's fully alive on the inside. I mean your over him , you've been over him for quiet sometime. You no longer see him everywhere you go and you dont even care about what hes doing or hows his day like. You forgotten his number and havent spoke to him in ages and although you both have moved on significantly more him since you have devolped serious trust issues you lay awake consumed with the thought of what if he chose you . In all honesty this is just like an unfinished story, a never ending night mare and truth be told its only like this for one reason; There Is No Closure. Its like a wound that never healed, a bird that never flew. He will always be in your head beacause of this lack of closure. This will always be with you, no getting rid of it . So how do you deal with it people may ask and truth be told i dont really know. If i knew then why would i be awake at this time thinking of him. But i think that you just continue on in hope that one day you recieve that closure.

Who was the one good thing in your life :
Well he wasnt perfect but neither were you. You guys were never meant to be but somehow found a way to each other. He hurt you and you hurt him. At first when you too first met you had no idea what attracted you to him. He wasnt your type, was a complete opposite and he was already taken. But you couldnt help it, you wanted to get to know him, you were by far intrigued, curious and in some way crazy about getting to know him. You would see them togther , often staring at them from afar. You always wondered what he saw in her, while the whole world was wondering what you saw in him. You guys would always talk in fact most of sixth period was devoted to getting to know him. You learned a couple of things about him but wanted to know more. Soon you were quietly anticipating sixth period in order to talk to him. But then he stopped coming to class. You started to loose hope. I mean it was never meant to be right, what the hell were you doing falling for a guy who already had a girlfriend. Just when you thought all was lost one day he came to class. Everything that was intially was gone came right back and he explained his absence. He gives you his number and your in complete shock. Could it be that this guy was actually falling for you too. You stare at the number for hours, map out what your going to say and call him. It goes okay except for the fact that his gf calls right when you call. Your hurt, but hey what can you do. He begins to text you, call you, message you everyday. You guys begin to devolp a conenction deeper than any of you imagine. He never could sleep so you always stayed up to keep him company. All night you guys would talk and all day you guys would wait it for it to be night . You always wanted to tell him that you were slowly falling for him but you knew what he would say so you just hid it. He always told you that you were something special to him but soon you begin to feel like second best. So you quit and move on and then one day he writes you this " Ive always liked you from the very beggining, but i held it in because i was with her and you and me could never be and now that your with him i just wanted you to know that". That night you cry and you realize that you were in love . As much as this was hurting you and as much as this would never be you could never let go. Things with your BF go bad so you end it, only to hear he ended it to what finally seemed impossible was no possible. But of course it didnt work , just as thought . But it didnt end badly it just ended. After you he returned with her but he only did so because she was the safe bet. Now three years later you lay awake wondering where he is?whose he with? is he happy? After all he showed you love and pain. He showed you how to truley desire something and showed you the gift of patience. He was esentially the best thing to happen to you so far.

Tonight as i lay awake and think alot, i notice that they have alot to do with the person i was and the person ive become

I mean , love does crazy things to me. Maybe in some way after he hurt me i became heartless. No words or No person could comfort me . Even before he hurt me all i could think about was him. I lost me essentially during this time and after he hurt me i fell into a place where i didnt give a fuck what people did, said or thought of me cause in the end all their thoughts, actions, words could never amount to the pain he left me. So maybe thats when i became heartless and gave only 50 % of myself to the people who have given me 100.


Then again when i was with the one who was my best love, i was in some crazy mode too. I knew he had a gf and i still went for him. I think he introduced me to this sort of getting what i want attitude. I never knew what it meant to work hard to get something untill i met him,untill i wanted him. He introduced me to that passion that drive that motivation. That essentially hurt me aswell. If i didnt get my way it was devasting to me. I felt like i had no controll and that i was losing a battle that wasnt even declared. Some of the guys after him i didnt even truley want i just wanted to win. This also caused me to get overwhelemed and too breakdown a couple times. It led me to use and abuse people all in hope of winning the prize. I still have this attitude. In the end i do have to look out for me cause if i dont no one will.

So here i am blogging at 4 am all because i finally noticed that the best things in my life were estentailly the worst as well.
I think that i do need to talk to both of them before i leave .. Im just scared too..